I still have regrets about that day. Flashes of it come and go in my brain, sometimes I am bombarded with these moments and I feel so, so badly for how I acted or things I said. We never got to make up from these last fights because she was soon not fully herself as the tumors took over her brain.
Logically I know that she isn’t still mad at me. As a mother myself now, I know that no matter how angry I ever feel towards my kids, I will always love them in a way that transcends it. I am their mom. I am the person they can feel comfortable enough around to yell at and feel all their feelings without judgement. I also know that 27-year-old Anna didn’t know how to express all the jumbled up complicated feelings and thoughts that clogged up her heart and mind as she watched her mother die.
But it still churns up my guts to think about this day when I was kind of a bitch about the valentines. I am pulled to a dark place and all I see is Mama’s hurt, disappointed, angry face.