eating, eating all the time

eating

As soon as I finish eating, I want to eat again. I don’t know if it’s the baby getting bigger in these last weeks, needing more calories, or if it’s just comfortable to eat a bunch of small things one after the other all day. Eating right before bed helps me to rest. I don’t really sleep much, but I can stay in bed longer in the morning if my stomach isn’t growling. I don’t think a lot about what I’m eating further than what feels right in the moment. It’s all I can do. Sometimes if I see a picture of something, like pancakes, then I HAVE TO HAVE PANCAKES as soon as possible. Or the baby will tell me what he wants, which is often cheese or toast or popcorn or something sweet but undefinable.

pregnancy cravings

15 pregnancy cravings

At the time of this posting I cannot even stand the thought of grape juice. But back then, in late September, there was a day when all I wanted was a giant bottle of grape juice which I could chug until it was empty.

Each day is a completely new day while I’m pregnant, and it’s teaching me to listen closely to my body and to recognize that what feels/tastes good one day, might not feel/taste good the next day. Smokey keeps me in the moment, keeps reminding me that I can’t do everything, that I’m already a different person than I was 14 weeks ago. I’m trying to let go of others’ expectations of me and my expectations of myself. It’s hard rediscovering yourself every day, having no real routine that works, but still having to conform to a routine  (going to work, etc.). The fewer commitments I can have each day the better.

Okay. I might have to go barf now.

belly pic 14 wks

march 10th and mood indigo

My friend Janet and I went to see Mood Indigo in New York City on Monday night, as part of the Rendezvous with French Cinema at the IFC Center and we got to meet Michel Gondry afterwards!

michel gondry

It was a magical night as you can probably guess. It was also the 5 year anniversary of my friend Lee’s death. On March 10th I never know what to do with myself. This year, I’m also looking ahead to the one year marking of my mom’s death on April 18th. For Lee I usually drink a Bottingtons, take some time out of the day to mark it, to feel sad and miss him. But there was something about being at the movie that night– maybe it was that the movie deals with grief in a really lovely way, but also just being there, doing something I really wanted to do, something special. Because I’m still here. I’m alive, and doing something I really want to do is taking advantage of being alive.

After the film, my old boss intriduced me to Mr. Gondry, and I was so excited my hands were shaking and I started sweating through my clothes. I had just seen something that touched me so deeply and was so beautiful, and here was the human being who made it! Right there! All I could stammer out was “I loved the movie.” In that moment I couldn’t wrap my mouth around the words I wanted to say. So, Mr. Gondry, if by any chance you are reading this, here is what I wanted to tell you about my experience watching your film:

Last year I was with my mom while she was very sick, and then dying. Your movie expresses this experience in a beautifully visual way: giving an image to the way it felt to go through that. Feeling the walls close in, the house being taken over by a strange clinging, climbing dust that covers the sunshine, the strangeness of doctors and machines and treatments, growing older so quickly, wanting to jump in and change my own story, the world turning to black and white.

I also got to see some friends in the city (to all the friends I did not see, I’m sorry! There’s never enough time to see everyone, I love you and I will see you soon):

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Some of the food I got to eat: 20140309_17183920140310_17435320140310_170013

And here’s my favorite bathroom in Manhattan: 20140310_182402