I still have regrets about that day. Flashes of it come and go in my brain, sometimes I am bombarded with these moments and I feel so, so badly for how I acted or things I said. We never got to make up from these last fights because she was soon not fully herself as the tumors took over her brain.
Logically I know that she isn’t still mad at me. As a mother myself now, I know that no matter how angry I ever feel towards my kids, I will always love them in a way that transcends it. I am their mom. I am the person they can feel comfortable enough around to yell at and feel all their feelings without judgement. I also know that 27-year-old Anna didn’t know how to express all the jumbled up complicated feelings and thoughts that clogged up her heart and mind as she watched her mother die.
But it still churns up my guts to think about this day when I was kind of a bitch about the valentines. I am pulled to a dark place and all I see is Mama’s hurt, disappointed, angry face.
This is an old diary comic from February. Every hour from 6am to 7pm.
A glimpse into a day in the life of a stay-at-home mom. Even though it’s months later, our routine is fairly similar. Galactus even still gets stuck in trees. I’m just more pregnant while doing all of these things. I wonder how it’s all going to change once the new baby comes?
This past November we took Giles to see Coco at the movie theater. He was eighteen-months-old at the time. This past Saturday Giles went to see it again, at a special screening with his Nana and Granddad. He came home talking all about it, now twenty-two-months-old. He said what sounded like, “mama me,” a bunch of times and at first I didn’t know what it meant. But then I realized he was talking about the song from the movie, “Remember Me.”
This song makes me think of my mom. Know that I’m with you the only way that I can be.
I learned it on ukulele so I could play and sing it for Giles, and for myself. And for my mom.
Next November we have another baby due. Four wheels on the car. I’ll take her/him to the movies too.