sadie sadie married lady (or, “Once upon a blue moon”)

Things I love about being married so far:
1. Greg’s honeymoon beard (RIP, since he had to shave it for work yesterday.)
2. The mysterious way it all feels “different” now.
3. Saying “my husband.”
4. Looking at all the wedding pics people are posting on facebook and instagram and glowing at how beautiful I feel and recalling how perfect and wonderful that day was.

It was a perfect wedding. I loved every second, every magical ounce of it. To have so many people in one place who love me, who love Greg and me together, was such a big feeling of love that I almost floated off the ground. On the dance floor I jumped so lightly that I forgot gravity completely until my knees reminded me the next morning.

Some favorite moments: the whole ceremony. Walking down the aisle (through the field more accurately) and knowing this was really happening, this wedding, this life. Holding onto my dad and sister as we walked together. Feeling my mom with us. My sister reading the e.e. Cummings poem I always knew she’d read at my wedding. Our vows, which we wrote ourselves, my eyes filling with tears the whole time. Standing under the chuppah that Greg made, my mom’s Tallis draped over it. Our amazing bridal party standing around us, reading the group poem they didn’t even get to practice ahead of time. The song my friend Diana wrote for us, about us, me looking into Greg’s eyes as she sang. Dancing out through the grass, and then down the road a bit, away for just a few moments alone. The speeches (our dads, Greg’s brother and my sister). I knew my dad ‘s speech would make me cry, and it did. My sister’s unplanned, not written down speech that came out so on point from her wild heart. Greg’s brother and dad so lovingly honoring us, and welcoming me into their family. Our first dance, the father daughter dance, the secret surprise choreographed dance by my sister, dad and me. And all the dancing, so much dancing, all night long. I only peed once, and barely ate two bites. It was the best.

I’m so happy.

Here are some photos taken by my family and friends:

We were married at Cricket Creek Farm, in Williamstown, MA, and I can’t recommend it highly enough– what a beautiful place. Flowers were done by Karen Trubitt of True Love Farm in Shaftsbury, VT (with the loving help of our amazing flower team). Food was pizza from Hot Tomatoes in Williamstown and Ramuntos in Bennington, salads by Wild Oats Market, cider donuts by The Apple Barn, ice cream by Ben & Jerry’s. Home-crafted beer by Brooks St. Brewery, with additional alcohol by Spirited. Professional photography by Steven Trubitt and additional photos by LeahB (will post those when I have them, the above pics are from people’s phones, which I pulled from facebook, etc.). This was truly a group effort, with so much help from our families, bridal party, other friends. Every flower, every chair, every light string, tablecloth, and clothespin was placed with love by the people we love, and we couldn’t have done it without them.

And Greg, my darling husband, I could not have done this without you. Thanks for asking me to marry you 🙂

love this body (self-portrait with pink hair)

self-portrait with pink hairSometimes I forget. I think everyone forgets to love their body, but it’s the thing that connects us with the world, with other people, and food and weather and light.

Dancing reminds me what I am capable of– how strong and beautiful I am and what I can handle. I forget the strong part especially, and lately. When my sister took me rock climbing for the first time a few years ago, I was up there on the rock and scared and didn’t think I could reach the next foot hold. Phoebe said, “Use those dancer legs.” Amazingly, my leg was long enough and I pulled myself further up.

We’re all stronger than we think.

being brave

IMG_9993 being brave in my tree. 

Today, before I did anything else publicly in the world, I went to the coffee shop to write. I hadn’t done this in a long time, pretty much since I got my own apartment here in town. Before, when I had to take the bus in and had time to kill before my shifts at work, I would sit there for hours writing and drawing while taking advantage of the unlimited hot water refills on my tea. So, today: my apartment was messy (still is as of this writing), I needed to do a hundred different life-business things (still haven’t done them), but instead I went to the coffee shop, got an americano and a bagel with raspberry jam, and did some work. It was wonderful, and I think set the tone for the rest of my day.

Recently my mom asked my dad, sister and me, “What was the best compliment you’ve ever received?” I answered differently at the time, but I’ve been thinking about this question for days, and finally remembered a truly beautiful, unexpected compliment that has stuck with me for about nine years now. I was in a dance class in college, and for the first day of this particular class we partnered up, and had to tell the rest of the class something about our partner. My partner said, “Anna is a brave dancer.” I was blown away in that moment. I know that I am a brave dancer, this is a big part of who I am. I will be the first on the dance floor at any party or Bar Mitzvah, and I will really move. Part of the reason is that I’d rather dance than make small talk, because that way I am participating in the party while still being my true self, rather than feeling fake by trying hard to talk to people I don’t know. Also, it’s just fun. But hearing this girl say, “Anna is a brave dancer,” touched and surprised me. I didn’t think anyone else could see that about me. Especially someone I hardly know. Hearing her announce this to a whole class of dancers made me blush and swell with pride. I almost felt like crying. Someone can see me, I thought.

I’ve been auditing ballet classes at the local college. I’m in an advanced level now, and it’s really hard. Often, I have no idea what I’m doing, but I try to go for it anyway. On the first day of this advanced class the teacher told me I was fearless. “Just keep being fearless,” she said. I love thinking of myself as fearless, and for others to see me that way. I’m afraid of so many things, which can easily take over my mind. But I am fearless. And brave. I live a fucking amazing life, and I really do it, every day. It’s okay to be proud of that, in fact I think it’s good to be. It feels glorious to recognize that in myself and appreciate it.

Tonight I went to a performance with my friend Janet. We had no idea what to expect, and it was perfect that way. It was a one man show, and I don’t think I can quite describe the experience here, but he owned it. He loved it. I could see it in his eyes that he loved it. And I thought again about being brave. How you can do anything you want onstage and if you are brave about it people will be captivated. Because you are being true, being fully yourself, and that is the most beautiful thing to watch– whether it’s a performance, dancing at a party, or just doing your job (being a doctor, lawyer, teacher, barista, whatever).

Being brave is easier when you have people who love you. Right now I’m in a really scary time in my life. My mom is dying. Every day I get emails or voice messages from friends and family, and even though I don’t call or write them back, I hope they know how much that support means to me. Just knowing they are there, that they see me, gives me a little cushion to lean back on, and it makes things a little less hard.

Anyway. This is what I’m thinking about today.

Now, go take a look at Shana’s blog, because she wrote something very beautiful about forgiveness.