it’s going to be hard forever

without mama

I don’t want to talk about this out loud, not really. Or maybe I do, all the time. I don’t want to be rude or ungrateful to anyone, all the people in my life who are there for me, and are supporting me through this pregnancy. I accept all of that with love, and I’m so grateful. But none of them is my mom. It’s always going to be hard. Every new thing starts it over again. My baby shower will be lovely, but it will be sad too. There’s no way for it not to be sad. It’s okay for it to be sad, and that doesn’t mean it’s not also happy.

I read this book, Rosalie Lightening, a graphic memoir by Tom Hart, about losing his daughter. Talking about the process of creating the book, he said:

“I felt that, to get some sort of understanding, I’d have to put everything into book form. But, you know, you quickly realize that you never ‘understand’ what happened. Instead of understanding, or something as trite as ‘moving past it,’ the best you can do, I think, is integrate the facts of what happened into your life — stop trying to deny it…”

It’s this integration that I’m trying to do. That’s what I did with making the cancer comics, and with these pregnancy comics too– all of my work in a way is trying to integrate my mom’s death into my life. I’ll never “get over it” but it can become part of my life in a way that isn’t breaking me apart every minute. Instead of struggling against it I’m struggling with it, in it. Does that make sense? It’s still hard, it’s still sad, terrible, tragic. But it has to be part of beauty too, and life.

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3 thoughts on “it’s going to be hard forever

  1. beautiful Anna, I miss her everyday too, and it hurts when I want to talk about her and sometimes people don’t know what to say and so want to change the subject A lot of days I think how can the world keep on when such an important person is not here anymore. Our relationship was different from yours, we did not always agree on things but we were finding we were more alike then we thought and I thought I would have more time with her and she would say goodby to me instead of the way it turned out. I love you Muffin and no, nothing can take the place of your mom and you will always miss her. I never knew my mom but I think of her everyday, its just how it is with Moms

  2. I am so sad as well, Sometimes I can’t believe your mom is gone, but I feel she is looking over you, just be strong and raise your boy well, I also think of your mom often. Take care, angels looking over you .. Ruth

  3. I’ve only recently had a chance to pursue your blog since we met in prenatal yoga. I love clever comics as a way to document and capture you maternity experience.

    This post struck a particular cord as my mother died unexpectedly, shockingly exactly two weeks ago, and I find myself confronting grief while preparing to welcome this baby into the world. It’s an overwhelming, surreal prospect, and doesn’t make any sense. It’s a reality I don’t want to confront or integrate.

    If you ever wanted to grab coffee and talk about pregnancy, life, babies, moms, loss, etc. I’m right near Williamstown – and after this little one arrives (i’m 38.5 weeks – so truly anytime) I’ll need to reintegrate into life with other people.

    Sending love and light to you regardless, as you navigate your own loss and pregnancy.
    xo Ash (Weeks Cart) of blogalacart.com

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