I guess we’re all here, in this place of transition, this lonely island, at certain points in our lives. Maybe we’re here all the time, because we are always changing: shedding cells, growing new ones, waking up, making choices, reading new things, meeting new people, in a constant state of becoming. But I feel there are certain times when the transition is amplified, when we are making bigger changes, finding ourselves at a crossroads and changing our direction. This is where I am now.
I want to be a rock climber. I am using this as a metaphor for life in my therapy sessions, but also I really want to pursue this. My sister and her boyfriend recently took me on my first technical rock climbing experience in Colorado, and it was life-changing. Rock Climbing is not something that most people who know me would think me capable of, or even that I would want to. I’m afraid of heights, of falling, of getting hurt. I freak out. My sister is so brave in this way, she is always trying new things that challenge her physically and mentally, that make her a stronger person. I so look up to her in this, and I want to do more things like that.
When I got on the rock, it was really hard at first, but not nearly as scary as I’d thought it would be. I struggled with the beginning foot and hand holds, figuring out how to distribute my weight, push myself up with my legs. I kept saying, “I’m not as strong as you guys are.” But I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. My sister yelled up to me, “You’ve got those dancer’s legs!” The two of them were so encouraging, not for a moment doubting me. I began to trust them, trust myself, trust the rock. I could do this. All I could think about was the rock, me on the rock, and my mind was completely focused in the present in a way it hadn’t been in a long time.
When I reached the ground afterward, I felt sheer bliss and my body was shaking.
This is what I want, I thought. This is where I need to be.
And so now I am back at the beginning, struggling for footholds, losing my grip. I want to be back at the top, where I can feel my strength and that incredible bliss. But I have to work toward that. I have to trust myself that I can get there.